


Where You Lead, I Follow

by TheWordsInMyHead



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Because of Reasons, Blake sibling bonding, Clarke & Bellamy finally talk about their relationship, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Octavia Blake Ships It, Post s06e09, Protective Bellamy Blake, Speculation, The Blake's are back together, and Clarke is dying, and I need more bellarke working together than the show gave me, basically those last two episodes sucked, but it doesn't go far because they are both stubborn and delusional, but really this is probably never happening, this started off as a speculation one shot but now it's going to be a full blown
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-06-26 12:38:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19768354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWordsInMyHead/pseuds/TheWordsInMyHead
Summary: “Don’t go there,” Clarke says sternly, desperately.“Oh, so now you’re the only one that’s allowed to make difficult requests, bring up difficult subjects?” He asks frustrated, finally done with avoiding this subject after all these years.“We are not going to have this conversation when I’m five minutes from possibly dying.” With any other person it would be clear that her tone leaves no room for argument, but he isn’t just anyone, he is Bellamy and he is done letting Clarke, and himself for that matter, hide from difficult truths.“When then? Because the only time we ever seem to get close to having with discussion is when one of us is facing eminent death.”“How about we get to a place in our lives where eminent death isn’t a regular occurrence and then we can talk,” she snaps back with as much heat.OR Bellamy and Clarke struggle to define their relationship amidst the chaos of saving their people and stopping the Primes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What a great episode! That is all I have to say,
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

When his eyes land on a small hut in the distance, Bellamy picks up his pace. He is almost there, he has almost found her. Mere moments later he is barging into the house with no form of announcement, desperate to get to her before time runs out. When the door opens to reveal a large, open living space and her standing there off to this side, whole and clearly still herself, Bellamy feels his pounding heart calm a little. 

Out of breath and covered in leaves, he looks like a mess, but that doesn’t stop him from walking right up to her and wrapping his arms around her. He hugs her like he wanted to do earlier, like he never wants to let go and she hugs him back. A hundred unspoken words passing between them. 

“Bellamy,” Octavia questions shocked, eyes landing on his figure wrapped around Clarke. 

“Of course,” she adds dryly after a second, shock fading, “wherever Clarke goes, your always following not far behind.” 

“Octavia,” he breaths, saying her name like he is relieved to see her which was not the emotion she was expecting him to show when they were eventually reunited. 

Reluctantly he steps away from Clarke after making sure she’s steady, and moves to sweep Octavia up in his arms. Maybe it’s that fact that the last few days have been extremely rough for him emotionally, or maybe he just couldn’t see how much she meant to him before he was faced with a reality without her, whatever the reason, Bellamy holds on extra tight as Octavia wraps her arms around him in her return. He missed her. 

“Oh, your brother?” Gabriel asks Octavia from the shadows, 

Bellamy jerks his head up, noticing the foreign presence in the room for the first time. This must be Gabriel. 

“Yeah,” Octavia confirms, detaching herself from Bellamy and moving to stand beside Gabriel. 

The moment Bellamy sees Octavia and Gabriel together, all of his over protective big brother instincts come out. It doesn’t matter that he left Octavia out here alone less than a week ago. It doesn’t matter that he gave up the right to have input in her life long before that. He sees them together and he feels an instinctive need to protect her. 

“How do you two know each other?” He asks gruffly, eyes darting between the two. 

Octavia rolls her eyes and ignores the question. Before Gabriel has time to answer, Clarke falls to the floor and Bellamy’s attention is diverted. 

“Do something!” He yells at Gabriel rushing to hold a convulsing Clarke in his lap. 

“Okay, just stay calm,” Gabriel requests as he makes his way over to Clarke on the ground. 

Octavia lets out a snort, “yeah he doesn’t do calm when Clarke is in danger, trust me, I should know.” 

Bellamy sends a glare at Octavia, now clearly not the right time to reminisce about every poor decision he has made regarding the two women in the room, but resists commenting on her remark. Instead he turns to Gabriel desperately, “help her. Please.” 

However, before Gabriel is able to do anything, she comes out of whatever trace she was in. For one terrifying second Bellamy thinks that he has lost Clarke again, that Josephine has returned, but then she opens her eyes and he would recognize that look anywhere. 

“Clarke, are you okay?” Bellamy asks frantically. 

She nods her head and attempts to sit up. “Our minds are mixing together and it’s causing everything to…. fall apart.” 

“We are out of time,” she says grimly, “will you help me?” 

Bellamy and Clarke are both looking towards Gabriel when Clarke’s words register in Bellamy’s head. _Will?_ Not can? 

If Gabriel is able to do something to help, he going to do it, Bellamy will make sure of it. 

“There is no guarantee that this is going to work,” Gabriel warns them both, “at this point it’s all theoretical. I spent 30 years trying to figure out how to make a mind drive take over a host consciousness not the other way around. But, I am willing to try.” 

With that he walks away, presumably to make preparations. Octavia following close behind, leaving Bellamy and Clarke, bodies still entwined, in a semi awkward silence. 

“Bellamy,” Clarke says after a moment, voice hoarse, blood dripping from her nose, trying to get his attention. 

Since the minute she returned, Bellamy has barely been able to take is eyes off of her, afraid that if he looks away for a second too long, if he blinks too hard, she will disappear.. Now though, he makes every effort to avoid looking at her. 

“Hey, look at me. Please.” 

He has never done well at saying no to her, so he looks. 

“If something happens to me—” 

“Don’t,” he begs, voice breaking. 

She ignores his request, continuing on, “if something happens to me, if this doesn’t work and I don’t come back, don’t blame yourself.” 

“How about you just don’t die.” 

“Bell,” she reprimands. 

“You can’t ask me to do that.” 

“Yes, I can,” Clarke insists, “it’s not your fault, none of this is your fault.” 

“It is through! I shouldn’t have left you alone. We were in an unfamiliar, dangerous environment and I _**knew**_ there was something odd about the interest they had in you. The minute you disappeared off the dance floor, I should have gone looking for you.” 

“Because you walking in on me hooking up with the double agent doctor would have been so much better.” 

The sarcasm is strange coming out of her mouth, clearly different from Josephine’s snarky speech, but not quite the Clarke he is used to either. 

“If I had been paying attention, would you even have gone off with the doctor in the first place?” 

The question, asked like he already knows the answer, hints at a long-unspoken truth between them. 

“Don’t go there,” Clarke says sternly, desperately. 

“Oh, so now you’re the only one that’s allowed to make difficult requests, bring up difficult subjects?” He asks frustrated, finally done with avoiding this subject after all these years. 

“We are not going to have this conversation when I’m five minutes from possibly dying.” With any other person it would be clear that her tone leaves no room for argument, but he isn’t just anyone, he is Bellamy and he is done letting Clarke, and himself for that matter, hide from difficult truths. 

“When then? Because the only time we ever seem to get close to having with discussion is when one of us is facing eminent death.” 

“How about we get to a place in our lives where eminent death isn’t a regular occurrence and then we can talk,” she snaps back with as much heat. 

He shakes his head resignedly, “I don’t want to fight.” 

“You started it,” she accuses, but there is no bite behind her words. 

He looks unimpressed which makes her smile. 

“I can’t lose you. I’m not sure I could survive it again,” he confesses. 

“Yes you could,” she lays her hand across his arm in comfort, “but your not going to have to. Everything is going to be fine.” 

Shocked at her sudden optimism, Bellamy is about to question her when Gabriel and Octavia walk back over carrying what looks like a medical shot filled with green liquid. 

“Okay, here is how we are going to do this. This substance is going to help free your mind and show you the right path. Once it takes affect your going to go into a dream like state. There you need to confine Josie back into her mind drive or destroy it. Either way, I won’t be able to safely remove the drive from your head without causing damage to your mind unless she is completely out of it first. Understand?” 

He says all of this very fast, too fast for Bellamy to ever have a hope of understanding, and then proceeds to tie an elastic band around Clarke’s arm in preparation of the injection before either of them makes any motion of acceptance. 

“Wait! How do we know we can trust you?” Bellamy asks suddenly, panicky stepping in front of Clarke to block Gabriel from continuing. 

“Really?” Octavia remarks, offend on Gabriel’s behalf, “you don’t have any other option at the moment so I would suggest staying quiet and being glad he is helping in the first place.” 

“He and Josephine have history,” he unknowingly informs an already knowledgeable Octavia, “what he is doing has the potential to kill her, excuse me for taking a minute to make sure.” 

“Yes I’m aware of their past. Their relationship makes what the two of you,” she gestures between Bellamy and Clarke, “have going on look down right normal.” 

“He’s right to ask questions." Gabriel cuts in, avoiding looking at Clarke, positive that Josephine can hear every word he is saying, "I loved her, still do if were being honest, but somewhere along the line, amidst all the new bodies and the never-ending life, she lost her humanity. I know that she has to be stoped, have for a very long time. It’s fitting too. My love for her is what started this whole mess, now it’s because I love her that I am willing to do what is necessary to save her, even if it from herself.” 

And with that he injects the green substance into Clarke’s arm. Now it’s just a matter of waiting.


	2. Chapter 2

It only takes a few seconds for whatever Gabriel injected her with to take effect, then Clarke is falling onto her side. If he didn’t know better, Bellamy would think that whatever she is going through was peaceful. From this angle she could just be asleep. 

Bellamy moves to stand beside her unconscious body, like his presence beside her might somehow help her in her internal battle. For a brief second he considers talking her hand in his, but quickly dismisses the thought. Whatever they may be to each other, holding her hand right now doesn’t feel appropriate. Especially since they _still_ never finished that conversation. 

“What are you doing big brother?” Octavia asks concerned. She looks at him as if all his thoughts and feelings are transparent, and maybe they are, but right now he is barely able to admit to them himself, he isn’t about to share them with her. 

“I know it seems silly, but standing here beside her, watching over her, makes me feel like I’m actually doing something.” 

They both know that his answer was a cop out to a much deeper question, but they’re still on uneven ground so Octavia lets it go. Right now neither of them willing to push too hard and possibly break the fragile truce that seems to be between them. 

For a while they sit there in silence, Bellamy vigilantly watching Clarke’s chest rise and fall, counting her breaths like he is terrified that anyone could be her last, and Octavia watching him. 

He’s changed, she thinks, her big brother. He holds himself differently now, like he is only one strong gust of wind from falling over, like he could break and shatter into a million pieces at any second. A lot of that fragility is undoubtedly the result of the woman lying unconscious in front of them. She has always had the power to break him, even if he’s still too scared to hold her hand. 

But it’s more than that, Octavia reflects as she studies him closer. There is a certain level of vulnerability to him that she has never seen before. Maybe it came from six years of peace up in space and she was just too blind to see it after or maybe it has always been there all along she has just never been able to see him properly. 

For so much of her life Bellamy has been this big unyielding force, whether in his ability to protect her despite all odds or his unwavering to desire to stop her at all costs. And now he just looks small. It’s strange for her, to see him standing there looking so tragically human. To realize that he isn’t the hero or villain that she has always thought him to be. 

With this new found perspective, Octavia finally feels free to ask the question that has plagued her since he left her in the forest all those days ago. 

“Why,” she asks softly, still unsure that she even has the right to ask the question. “I know she means something to you, probably more than you even realize, but why? Why is it so easy for you to forgive Clarke for the mistakes she’s made?” _Why her and not me?_ Is left unsaid, but still clear in the question. 

After a moment of hesitation, Bellamy removes his gaze from Clarke and directs his attention towards Octavia meeting her eyes, really looking at her for the first time since entering the cabin. She looks younger, like she did in the days of the dropship or even before. It’s not so much a physical change, although she is noticeably cleaner, it’s more of a mental one. She looks like the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders, like she is finally free to be without expectations and grief holding her down. She looks like his sister. 

“It’s not—” he starts to deny that blatant hypocrisy of his actions, but stops himself. If they are ever going to move forward with a heathy relationship, it’s up to him to own his mistakes as much as her. 

“It’s just easier with her,” he responds helplessly, “and that’s not because I care about her more than you or anything like that…. So much of mine and Clarke’s relationship is built on the idea of forgiveness. I screw up throwing away a radio and getting 300 people killed, she gives me the forgiveness I need. She screws up letting a bomb fall on innocent people, I offer her the forgiveness she needs. It’s a pattern that’s easy to follow by now. So yeah I forgave her, but that really has nothing to do with you.” 

He can tell that she wants to argue, but instead holds her tongue. She wants to fix what’s broken between them just as desperately as him. 

Despite his earlier conviction, Bellamy continues to compare the two women, frantically trying to make her understand why. “Even in the darkest moments with Clarke, when we were fighting or as I watched her walk away and not look back, I still recognized who she was, I was still able to understand where she was coming from even if I didn’t agree. When you I saw you sitting up in your throne from the fighting pits and even before, I couldn’t see _any_ trace of the sister I knew.” 

For a moment his explanation hangs in the air between them, neither of them quite sure how to move farther forward. Then Octavia breaks the increasingly awkward silence. 

“You know, for a long time I blamed you,” she tells him bluntly. “Told myself that everything I did to you was justified, that you didn’t know what I had been through because you left me. When it came down to it, you chose to go with Clarke to Becca’s lab even though the world was ending and I got left alone, in charge of 1200 people without you there to guide me."

Her words sting because they are the same ones he told himself over and over again staring down at the burning earth for six years desperately hoping that his sister was alright, praying that he didn’t let her down by not being there. 

He swallows down the hurt though, reminds himself not to get defensive. “I get that, I do, and I’m sorry. You have no idea how much I wished, sitting up there in space that I could be down there with you. But O, I can’t be responsible for every bad choice you make. That’s part of the problem here I think. There’s a piece of me that looks at you and just sees all the mistakes I have ever made.” 

If her words stung him than his straight up burn her. She visibly recoils from them, from him. 

Throughout the entire conversation she has looked vulnerable, more vulnerable than he has seen her look in a long time, but there was still a bit of a mask, a bit of a guard. Now that lingering protection has vanished. Her eyes are glassy and she looks like she could start crying at any moment. 

All of his instincts tell him to go comfort her, to make everything better, but he holds himself back. If he can’t be responsible for all her mistakes, he also can’t be solely responsible for her happiness. 

For so long he was her entire world, and as screwed up as it sounds, he enjoyed it. Not that she was trapped, never that, but he loved the fact that whenever she needed anything, she would come to him. That in a world of darkness and pain, he was the only one that could make her smile. It made him feel special, important, but made her dependent and him too. It created a dependency that went on long after she emerged from the floor and for far longer than it ever should have. 

“You think I’m a mistake?” she questions brokenly. So many people have view her as a mistake, an aberration that never should have existed, but she never though that he would be one of them. 

“What! No, never.” He can’t help himself now, he walks around Clarke until he is standing directly in front of Octavia and then puts his hands on either side of her face. 

“You are not a mistake,” Bellamy tells her fiercely, “my mistakes, I look at you and see my mistakes. I see what you have become and feel guilty for not being there to protect you. I feel ashamed that I never taught you right from wrong, because if that’s who you truly are, I must have missed something crucial.” 

“No!” she remarks just as passionately, “it’s not your fault. You were right, I was wrong. You aren’t responsible for my choices. I have to own them and Bellamy, I am so sorry for everything I did to you.” 

Their relationship isn’t fixed, over two decades of an unbalanced and unhealthy dynamic isn’t going to be solved with on conversation, but for the first time in what feels like years, he can look at her and not feel dread building in his stomach and that seems like a great place to be. 

When he wraps his arms around her this time it’s just as fiercely as before, but now he doesn’t fear letting go, he isn’t afraid of what he’ll see when he steps back and looks in her eyes, because the embrace holds the promise of a better future. 

Still, he holds on to her for a long time enjoying the specific familiarity that can only be found with her. 

The smile on her face when she eventually pulls back makes her look impossibly younger. 

“Did you really wish you were down on earth?” 

“Yes! You have no idea,” he runs his hands through his hair remembering the frustration of being trapped in space. 

“To get back to me? Or to get back to Clarke?” Her carefree smile morphing into a knowing smirk. 

“I thought Clarke was dead,” he tells her simply, not needing any creative manoeuvring to avoid this particular question. 

“You spent 6 years thinking she was dead and then you got her back and still did nothing about your feelings!” She asks outraged, clearly over her hesitance at pushing him into uncomfortable discussions. 

“O, I don’t want to talk about this,” he complains with a sigh, running his hands through his hair again and sending a quick look over to the woman in question to make sure that she is still alright. 

“Ever think that maybe you need to and that wanting doesn’t have anything to do with it?” 

Bellamy lets out another sigh, he really hates that she just might have a point. However, before he is forced to confront any uncomfortable topics, the heart monitor attached to Clarke starts to go wild and his attention is diverted. 

He only has a fraction of a second to worry before Clarke is conscious again, waking from her internal battle with a start.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got long, very long and a little cheesy, but since the show gets cheesy too, I’m going to pretend that I’m okay with it. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Her eyes dart around, her heartbeat pounding in her chest. For a brief moment she is disoriented, unsure of where exactly she is, until her eyes settle on Bellamy racing back towards her with a concerned look etched across his face. 

When she sees him, still so familiar despite all the years, everything clicks back into place. She remembers why she’s here, what they were doing and then she remembers what happened in her mind. 

A shutter goes through her as the memories of what she experienced come flooding back.

* * *

_Waking up Clarke expects to be back in her mind space, in her usual cell surrounded by drawings of her life. Instead she awakens in a deserted hallway. Not a hallway from the ship like before, but an unfamiliar one with, what she assumes must be carpet on the ground and a dozen doors lining either side of the narrow path. This must be from one of Josephine’s memories._

_Or maybe not, she thinks as she slowly moves down the hall carefully inspecting the various doors for a clue as to where she is and where she should go. If this were Josephine’s space, she would think that the woman in question would be here and so far she is notably absent._

_Maybe it’s a place completely separate from both their minds. There is an unearthly green glow to everything and a sinister feeling of foreboding which threatens to consume her that wasn’t in either of their mind spaces before._

_But she pushes the fear away, her time is running out and she need to hurry._

_When Gabriel explained that she would need to contain Josephine, she expected this to be like a game of tag, she just had to catch Josephine before Josephine got the chance to catch her. When he explained that she would need to find the chip and destroy it, she figured it would be like a game of hide and seek, find the device tethering Josephine to this world and destroy it before time ran out. But when she opens the first door, she instantly realizes that this place is far more sinister than any child’s game._

_Opening the door, she immediately recognizes the view in front of her. A ship, not the Elligis one from her previous mind space, but the Ark, her first home. Although much of the spaceship looked the same, metal walls, floors and ceilings, she knows this place, feels an indescribable sense of peace just being back here. Everything was so simple when she lived here, there were no people to save, no life or death decisions to make. The fate of humanity didn’t always rest on her tired shoulders._

_As she moves around the space, hand brushing across the worn couch, eyes taking in the marked-up walls, she feels a wave of nostalgia for her old life stronger than ever before._

_Still, Clarke is unsure exactly why she is being shown this memory. She searches high and low trying to find any detail that doesn’t quite fit hoping for a clue as to where the mind drive might be hidden._

_The more she examines the room, the more confused she gets. There’s nothing here. Frustration starts to build as she continues spinning around, eyes moving up and down trying despite it all to move slowly and diligently. Nothing makes sense until a scene starts to take shape in space around her._

_It’s a very familiar picture, one she walked in to see thousands of times throughout her childhood, her dad sitting on the sofa, leaning forward to tinker with some device of his own creation on the small table in front of him._

_“Dad,” she exhales happily. It hasn’t been that long since she last saw him in her mind, but it still takes her breath away seeing him after not having him around for so many years._

_When he doesn’t make any acknowledgement of her, she speaks again, this time moving closer._

_Still he doesn’t respond, attention remaining of the materials in his hands._

_Before she has time to physically demand his attention, the scene or she guesses memory, progresses as a younger version of her enters the room._

_Unlike her, her younger self is able to instantly gain his attention. He looks up upon her entrance, a huge smile gracing his face and then gestures for her to join him, which she does happily running towards him with all the enthusiasm of a 10-year-old. Once she is within reach, he places her in his lap even though she is far too big to do so comfortably._

_Clarke makes no further attempts to interrupt, instead choosing to just watch the tender interaction play out before her. The pressing need to find Josephine remains, but for the moment she is happy to just stand here and remember a more peaceful time._

_Just as she starts to let her guard down, to relax and embrace the moment, the room around her begins to fade away, twisting and deforming until she is in an entirely new place._

_Well not entirely new, she realizes after taking a quick second to regain her bearings. She’s definitely still on the Ark. Her home for the first 16 years of her life, she would recognize it anywhere, but this particular place she, thankfully, only saw once. Still this place will be forever in grained in her mind._

_Dread fills her as she realizes just what memory this is. The empty space, the clear view of the stars outside, the airlock. She’s about to watch her father be floated. Again._

_Desperately takes hold as she sees the group walk into view, Jaha, Kane, her mom and then finally her father with his wrists chained together, a guard on either side like he is some sort of dangerous criminal rather than father and husband who just wanted to do what he thought was right. Jake Griffin’s sin was believing in the goodness of humanity and he died for that belief._

_Even though she knows that this isn’t real, that it happened a long time ago and nothing she does now is going to change anything, she still feels compelled to try. Standing in ground of Jaha, she attempts to gain his attention, waving her hands in front of his face when yelling doesn’t work. But like in the last memory, it’s as though she’s invisible. Unable to interact with the world around her, she is forced to watch the recollection progress._

_Clarke looks on horrified as another version of herself, tears in her eyes and aggression in her body, desperately begs for her father’s life. Reaching up she can feel matching tear tracks coating her face. She couldn’t save him then and she can’t save him now._

_Watching him get pushed into the airlock and then blasted out into empty space this time is almost worse than the first time. The first time she had no idea that this moment would mark a change, that it would be the first death of many._

_The memory ends and she is transported back to the initial hall. Landing on her knees, she is forced to take a minute and gather herself, to try and stop her hands from shaking._

_Eventually she finds the courage to get up off the floor and move to the next door hoping against hope that she isn’t about to experience the same torment all over again._

_But hoping gets her nowhere as it goes on and on, each door opening to reveal another memory, another person she loves happy and heathy, then dying as she watches helplessly unable to so anything to change the past._

_Wells and her playing chess as children transformed into his broken body found far too late lying on the forest ground, her first lesson that there are consequences for complacency._

_Finn laughing around the fire and then him tied to a post, his blood gushing over her hand, the life draining out of his eyes, as she is force to make the first of many sacrifices for her people._

_After each memory it gets harder and harder to get back up, but each time she does, reminding herself that she has people expecting her back in the real world. That if she can just make it out of this hell, everything will be alright._

_Lexa lying in bed beside her, tracing patterns on her skin, the haunted look for once absent from her eyes. Then her falling to the ground taking the bullet meant for her. A reminder that while love might not be weakness, it is definitely temporary and painful._

_Reliving Lexa’s death, while harsh and painful, is also a relief to Clarke. Finally, she thinks, it must be over. Lexa was the last person who she truly let herself love. But when she makes it back to the hallway, after Lexa’s last shuttering breath, there are still doors._

_She finds Jasper through the next door, young and carefree with goggles on his head and then him sullen and somber, the light gone from his eyes long before the radiation soaked planet forces him to take his final painful breath._

_Next there’s Monty, warped around Harper enjoying a brief moment of peace then him old, grey and alone, rigging up the airlock to a timer and then placing himself in it after a final longing glance towards cyro bay where everyone he loves sleeps on unknowingly._

_By the time she makes it to the final door, she is numb to the emotions of grief and guilt surrounding her. She lost track of the tears sometime after Finn, and ran out by them time she got to Jasper. But, she did it. One more and then she should be free of this torment. She can do this._

_The momentary confidence she has evaporates the minute she opens it and sees what scene is waiting for her inside. In front of her is a small room, couch on one side and table on the other, insignificant in many ways except for the list with 98 names neatly written across it. Instantly, she realizes that all of her suffering was worthless, re-watching all those love ones die was pointless because there is absolutely no way she is going to make it through this._

_No, she thinks frantically as the memory starts to play. No, she can’t handle this. There is no pushing back the fear now. No finding courage and moving forward._

_She turns around trying to leave though the door she already knows is not there. Early on when the shock wore off and everything started to be too much, she attempted to leave. But of course, there was no clear exit. So she gritted her teeth reminding herself that it was just a memory that she had already lived through it once, she could do it again. Even when the scenes switched from her own recollections, to ones she could just imagine, she continued to push forward. Now though, she is filled with an untenable desperation to leave, to get out before she is forced to witness the scene about to play out on front of her._

_It doesn’t matter that she is still at the, everyone is happy, portion of this little game. She has had enough. She is done. She will not stand by and watch Bellamy die._

_“What’s the point!” she yells over the memory around her. “Josephine!! I’m tired of your games!”_

_Suddenly the fight leaves her, she falls to the ground, tears streaming freely down her face, voice broken and soft she begs “please, I’ve had enough. I get it, when I love people they die. I’m a cancer that sucks the life out of people and then eventually, when I have taken everything and they have no more light to give, they die.”_

_“Please just make it stop!”_

_As if called, Josephine finally appears forming out of thin air with the same unearthly green glow surrounding her freezing the memory. “Well, well, well, the mighty Clarke Griffin finally admitting defeat. All because of a boy no less. How tragically typical.”_

_“Leave him out of this,” Clarke commands, but her voice hold no authority. On the ground, pale and shaking, she is far from an imposing figure._

_“Leave him out of this!” Josephine retorts with a careless laugh “He is this!”_

_For a moment neither of them speaks, Josephine circling Clarke like a vulture hunting their pray._

_Eventually though Josephine stops, seemingly satisfied with her appraisal, confident in her chosen line of attack. “I got to know though, why did you keep going through the doors? Or better yet, why is this the only one that you can’t get through.”_

_“I don’t know.” Clarke bites out stubbornly._

_“That’s not true! Come on think about it for a second, you’re supposed to be smarter than this!”_

_When it’s clear that Josephine is not going to move on until she answers, she reluctantly says “because I’m afraid of him dying, everyone I care about eventually dies.”_

_“It’s that the point of this exercise?” she adds snarky, a fraction of her usual strength finding its way through._

_Totally ignoring Clarke’s pitiful attempt at diversion, Josephine continues “No it’s a truth much more frightening than that,” she pauses for dramatic effect "you're not afraid of people you love dying, you’re afraid of them living.”_

What? _Clarke thinks confused and then righteous anger overtakes her confusion. “You have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.” Getting to her feet, she wipes her eyes to remove and lingering tears, if Josephine wants a fight that’s what she’ll get. She’s Clarke fucking Griffin, she isn’t going to take this sitting down._

_Once again Josephine completely disregards Clarke’s interject. “Because if loving you isn’t some curse like you have made it out to be, then the only thing stopping you from accepting and embracing the love this man so clearly has for you is fear.”_

_For moment Clarke just stands there, mouth opening and closing, shocked and distracted by Josephine’s complete misdiagnoses of her and Bellamy’s relationship. But also not. Many people have assumed that they were more than they are, she just never though that the same mistake would be made in her own mind._

_“You’re a coward hiding behind some altruistic self-sacrificing bullshit.”_

_She’s wrong, Clarke thinks instantly, defensively and she is, but she’s also not, she realizes after the initial sting of her accusation fades away. In a lot of ways, she closed herself off to the possibility of love after Lexa died in her arms. Told herself over and over again that not only did she not deserve it, that she didn’t even want it. That a romantic partner was not something she needed in her life. She had Madi, her mom, Bellamy, she had a family and that was more than enough. But the truth is that she wants someone to love, wants it so desperately that it’s hard to breathe now that she recognizes the desire within her._

_“There you go,” Josephine says smugly, but Clarke barely pays her any attention so overcome by the startling revelation._

_So caught up in her thoughts, she doesn’t even notice as Josephine starts to fade away leaving just the three of them in the small room again._

_She wants it. Someone to wake up in the morning with and go to sleep with at night. Someone who makes her heart beat faster. Someone who makes her laugh. Someone to grow old with. Someone to have a life with._

_Unconsciously her eyes drift to the frozen figure of a younger Bellamy, leaning down beside a younger version of herself with his hand on her shoulder. If I’m on that list, you are she hears his voice in head like it was yesterday reminding her that she wasn’t alone, that he was there to help carry her burdens._

_Looking at him, remembering their past, she realizes that she doesn’t just want anybody, she wants him. Her co-leader, her partner, her best friend, her family. She wants to be free to love Bellamy. Even if he’s never really hers to have._

_Unbidden a quote from long ago enters her head ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all._

_She lets the memory resume._

_She is so wrapped up in the memory that she almost doesn’t notice the green glow, brighter than the rest, surrounding the pen after Bellamy placing it back on the table after writing her name down. The mind drive._

_Caught up in her thoughts about life and love, Clarke momentarily forgot about her quest to find the mind drive. Now that she remembers, she doesn’t hesitate. For the first time in a long, too long, she has an inherent desire to live, not just for her people, but for herself._

_The world starts to shift the moment her hand comes into contact with the pen and for a moment she thinks that maybe she will land back in the real world this time, but it appears that she has to make one more stop._

_She is back in her original mind space when the world comes back into focus, the pen in her hand transformed into a large technical looking chip, not unlike the flame. She looks around her cell, noticing that the drawings have once again changed. Walking around the room, she takes in the new additions pondering their significance until she is distracted by a small moan coming from the shadows in the corner._

_Closer inspection revels Josephine, huddled together, looking much worse than last time. Her skin is a sickly pale, her hair hangs limply down her shoulders and there is a stream of dried blood coming from her nose. More jarring than the physical degradation is the mental one. Gone is the spark of mischief. Gone is the condescending smirks and self-righteous attitude. She looks tired. She looks like she’s dying._

What happened? _Clarke wonders confused at how this illness progressed so quickly, but more so horrified at the suffering in front of her, Josephine is far from her favorite person, but she wouldn’t wish this on anyone._

_Before Clarke gets a chance to inquire, her doctor instincts franticly looking for possible explanations and solutions, Josephine spots the mind drive in her hand._

_“Wow, you actually found it. I didn’t think you would go near that memory with a ten-foot poll. Sucks for me I guess,” she says with a self-deprecating chuckle, “but good job finally moving past your denial.”_

_“What happened?” Clarke asks out loud this time, deliberately ignoring Josephine’s apathetic dig._

_“Remember how I told you two minds can’t exist in one body at once? And that your mind would fry while I was safe in the mind drive? Turns out I was wrong, I know shocking,”_

_“But the mind drive is still intact! I haven’t even done anything to it yet.”_

_Josephine raises shoulders slightly as if to say I don’t know what happened any more than you. At Clarke’s expectant look, she goes to clarify, but before she has even gotten an entire word out, great, racking, coughs take hold shacking her increasingly feeble body._

_“Is there some way to get you back in there?_

_“You’re trying to help me?” Josephine asks incredulously after catching her breath._

_“Yeah it’s what decent people do; you should try it sometime.”_

_It’s not like Clarke wants to help her, but Gabriel’s grief-stricken face as he said a final goodbye keeps flashing across her mind. She might not like Josephine, but Gabriel clearly loves her and he helped her so it only seems fair that she returns the favour. Plus, it’s also just like she said, it’s the right move to make. If the situations were reversed and it was Bellamy in trouble, she would hope that someone would be just as willing._

_“There’s no point. I don’t think there’s anything that can be done for me now, but even if there was, I wouldn’t ask you to do it.”_

_The shock that Clarke feels at Josephine’s defeatist attitude can clearly be seen. What happened to the woman who was good with sacrificing babies just so she could live another life time? What changed?_

_As if she can read Clarke’s mind, Josephine continues, “you know, it’s been nearly a century since I last saw Gabriel and I still love him just as much as the day I first met him”_

_“Hasn’t he been trying to kill you for the last 70 years?”_

_“He’s been trying to get rid of the prime reincarnation, but yeah, sure, technically that involves killing me. But he spent 70 years failing at it and you don’t fail doing something you are that passionate about for that long for no reason.”_

_“You didn’t think that he truly wanted you dead,” Clarke realizes._

_“Not until a few hours ago. Or however long it’s been.”_

_“So what, you think he doesn’t love you and you just decide it’s better to die.”_

_On a basic human level, the thought upsets Clarke. Maybe it hits too close to home, but no one should ever think their life is only worth what other people tell them it is._

_No, Josephine shakes her head at Clarke’s deduction. “Gabriel is the best person I know. He loves me, I was right about that, but even though he loves me, he still was willing to push that syringe. If he is that sure that I need to go, he’s probably right.”_

_Clarke finds herself inexplicably sad. This is nothing like what she expected. “You trust him that much? You have that much faith in him, that you would accept death without question just because he told you it was the right move?”_

_If her questions sound indignant, it’s because they are. She just can’t fathom the change that’s taken place._

_“Clarke it’s not like I’m giving up my life before I’ve lived it, I’ve experienced several lifetimes.” There’s a quiet exasperation to her tone makes her sound more normal, like now that the decision is made she can finally have some peace._

_“So what do I do?”_

_“Smash it.”_

_With one final look at Josephine to make sure, Clarke places the mind drive on the ground beside her. When Josephine gives her a small nod, she brings her foot down with no hesitation, crushing the device into a million tiny bits._

_For a minute nothing happens and Clarke starts to worry that this was all some elaborate ploy, but then Josephine starts to fade away and everything around Clarke goes black._

* * *

“Clarke?” Bellamy asks once he’s in front of her, breaking her out of her memories, “are you okay?” 

She takes him in, messy hair, freckled face and wave of comfort washes over her, yeah she’s okay. He’s here so she’s safe.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, let me know what you thought.


End file.
